


The True Meaning of Whatever

by beer_good



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Christmas, Epistolary, Holidays, Irreverence, Multi, Post-Series, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-23
Updated: 2015-12-23
Packaged: 2018-05-08 16:36:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5504936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beer_good/pseuds/beer_good
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The new president wants the Slayers to deal with the fabled War On Christmas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The True Meaning of Whatever

So, I always try to post a [holiday-themed fic](http://beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com/tag/christmas) around this time, but I was seriously lacking in inspiration this year. Then I saw this things like [this](http://notalwaysright.com/the-first-amendment-is-on-holiday/48491), and [this](https://twitter.com/MrAlanCooper/status/679059040085774336), and what the hell, I figured, let's see where this setup takes me. This is in no way a subtle fic, but I hope it works anyway. Happy whatever, everyone!

 **Title:** The True Meaning of Whatever  
**Author:** Beer Good   
**Fandom:** _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ , post-series  
**Rating:** PG13  
**Word count:** ~1500  
**Characters/Pairing:** Ensemble. Nods to Spike/Buffy, Dawn/Vi  
**Warnings:** Irreverence.  
**Summary:** The new president wants the Slayers to deal with the fabled War On Christmas.

 

**The True Meaning of Whatever**

_Excerpt from NSA surveillance files, project NaughtyOrNice  
E-mail addresses redacted to preserve targ... uh, we mean, citizens' privacy_

From: Dawn.***@slayernet.org  
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org  
Subject: War on xmas

So, guys, here's a thing we may have to deal with.

As you all know, a few years ago we got [some funding from the US government in exchange for killing demons and stuff](http://archiveofourown.org/works/278591). Now that there's a new president in the White House, we put in a request for an extension. Long story short, they're asking for a favor in return.

Specifically, President T. ran on a promise of ending the "war on Christmas", and the White House wants us to look into any supernatural forces behind it, possible results of it, and slay any and all demons that, y'know, wish people "happy holidays" and other things that "take the Christ out of Christmas". Apparently this is a big deal to his electorate and he needs to show some results.

I've done some preliminary research, but haven't found anything, and I'm kind of busy with finals and shopping. So, ideas, people.

/Dawn

 

From: Buffy.***@slayernet.org  
To: Dawn.***@slayernet.org  
Subject: Re: War on xmas

Dawn, what did I tell you about drinking and Watchering? Or drinking in general?

Oh god, you're serious, aren't you. I don't have time for this. I have to shop for presents. And food. Why do I have to host the party every year?

 

From: S***@slayernet.org  
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org  
Subject: Re: War on xmas

Too bloody right! About time somebody straightened you yanks out. You lot have lost touch with the true meaning of Christmas. As I recall, it has something to do with exploiting Tiny Tim.

Hail Satan!

 

From: Buffy.***@slayernet.org  
To: S***@slayernet.org  
Subject: Re: War on xmas

Not. Helping. Don't make me get Willow to block you from the mailing list again.

 

From: S***@slayernet.org  
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org  
Subject: Re: War on xmas

Oh, you're having Red do your dirty work for you again? If you want me off the list, come over here and get me off. :-P

 

From: Buffy.***@slayernet.org  
To: S***@slayernet.org  
Subject: Re: War on xmas

You're a pig. <3

 

From: Kennedy.***@slayernet.org  
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org  
Subject: Re: War on xmas

OK, so do we need to actually show cause and effect here, or can we just kill a random demon, say he's behind it and mail him to the white house? Maybe put a little santa hat on him?

 

From: Xander.***@slayernet.org  
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org  
Subject: Re: War on xmas

"Now I have a machine gun, ho ho ho."

...Nobody? Really?

Anyway, I think we probably need to come up with some kind of credible scapegoat here so the bigwigs can look like they took action. If nothing else, it can't hurt to stay on their good side. Without selling anyone out, obviously.

 

From: Andrew.***@slayernet.org  
To: Xander.***@slayernet.org  
Subject: Re: War on xmas

I understood that reference!

 

From: Chao-Ahn.***@slayernet.org  
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org  
Subject: Re: War on xmas

Americans are strange.

冬至愉快!

 

From: Rupert.***@slayernet.co.uk  
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org  
Subject: Re: War on xmas

As ridiculous as this may sound, there is some precedent to this. Not necessarily concerning Christmas, as it's not, theologically speaking, as important to Christianity as contemporary culture insists. If we look at Easter, however, there are a lot of historical cases where witches, demons and heretics have been accused of wanting to hijack the miracle of Christ's resurrection for their own nefarious purposes. Some academics even insist that the traditional vampire mythos is a perversion of the eucharist and the resurrection. If you are serious about researching anything attacking the true meaning of Christmas, I'd say that's your starting point. Of course, as both Christmas and Easter go back to earlier midwinter and spring celebrations, there's a lot of underlying mythology to dig into as well. And speaking of scapegoats, goats are still venerated as part of Christmas traditions in many places. The Swedes still [sacrifice a giant goat](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o88tDmF7cEk) every year as part of an ostensibly Christian celebration. However, I think there may be a far more prosaic explanation for the "curse" we are investigating in this particular case. I take it not spending billions on cheap trinkets isn't the answer they're looking for?

Wish I could help. Feel awful that I can't. But there's brandy and christmas pud that needs to be consumed. Damn it.

 

From: Buffy.***@slayernet.org  
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org  
Subject: Re: Re: War on xmas

Vampires are metaphors? I have now, officially, heard it all.

Also, re: that other e-mail thread: Yes, using your Slayer powers for Christmas shopping is wrong. Very Wrong. Try not to do it more than three times a day.

 

From: Willow.***@slayernet.org  
To: Rupert.***@slayernet.org; Buffy.***@slayernet.org; Kennedy.***@slayernet.org; Xander.***@slayernet.org; Dawn.***@slayernet.org  
Subject: Re: War on the winter solstice

Witches, huh. Does this mean I'm evil again? Because right now I kinda wouldn't mind that.

/just as American as everyone else thankyouverymuch

PS: Xander, thanks for the mix cd, but "Eight Days a Week" is not technically a Hannukkah song.

 

From: Faith.***@slayernet.org  
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org  
Subject: Re: War on xmas

are we absolutly sure his hairpiece isnt a demon? fucking hypocrite should get down here and do some real work

 

From: Vi.***@slayernet.org  
To: Dawn.***@slayernet.org  
Subject: Faith

Hey you. Ran an IP check on Faith's e-mail, first word we've had from her for weeks. See attachment. Is she really volunteering at a runaway shelter?

 

From: Dawn.***@slayernet.org  
To: Vi.***@slayernet.org  
Subject: Re: Faith

Faith? No. Definitely not. Absolutely not, nuh-uh, no way.

Also, yes she is, but don't tell anyone or she'll eat you alive and that's my job. She said something about owing someone. Not going to Boston to check, it's freezing up there.

 

From: Vi.***@slayernet.org  
To: Dawn.***@slayernet.org  
Subject: Re: Faith

You are such a SoCal girl. How can you even have Christmas without snow?

 

From: Dawn.***@slayernet.org  
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org  
Subject: Snow is evil

[attached image: snuggly.jpg]

 

From: Dawn.***@slayernet.org  
To: Willow.***@slayernet.org  
Subject: !!!  
Priority: High

Let's say I hypothetically sent an e-mail to the entire list that was supposed to go to just one person and I really need to recall it like RIGHT NOW, how would I do that? Hypothetically.

 

From: Willow.***@slayernet.org  
To: Dawn.***@slayernet.org  
Subject: Re: !!!

Hypothetically deleted your hypothetical e-mail from the list. Consider it a hypothetical early christmas gift. Also, I have some books you could hypothetically borrow if you want. No pressure. :)

 

From: Buffy.***@slayernet.org  
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org  
Subject: Re: War on xmas

OK, let's just get this over with. I want to relax and do the christmas thing without having to discuss why I want to relax and do the christmas thing.

So what's our scapegoat shortlist here? First Evil? Evil snowmen? That Santa demon Anya mentioned once, did we ever do anything about him?

Actually… Never mind, everyone, I've got this. Will, bring your laptop when you come over on Christmas day and we'll type something up while the turkey's in the oven.

Happy holidays, everyone!

 

 _Various responses at slayerlist@slayernet.org_  
Turkey? For Christmas? That's just WRONG.

Promise to give us Ramadan off and we'll cover your patrol duties while you stuff your infidel bellies. :)

Happy Christmas! Try not to freeze to death, antipodeans.

You do know that "yule" is derived from "ale", right?

So, is this the one where you watch football all day, or was that a couple of weeks ago?

YES! BURN, GOAT, BURN! HAIL THO… I mean, um, merry christmas!

Sinterklaas got here weeks ago, he STILL hasn't got around to you guys?

Lucky bastards. Some of us have to wait until new years, you know. Merry christmas, tovarichi!

My Christmas on you!

Peace and good will unto all. <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPamW-WUf50>

 

From: Dawn.***@slayernet.org  
To: Buffy.***@slayernet.org; Willow.***@slayernet.org; Rupert.***@slayernet.org; Xander.***@slayernet.org; Andrew.***@slayernet.org  
Subject: Happy new year!

Hope everyone's slept it off! Seriously, it was so good to see you all again. Love you, guys.

I just heard from our contact in Washington. The good news is that the White House totally bought that a Santa demon living on the North Pole is to blame for the War on Christmas, once we explained that the he had nothing to do with the traditional Santa and killing him wouldn't make a dent in the holy GDP.

The bad news is that rather than bomb the North Pole, which would have been pretty harmless, they simply decided to scrap the Kyoto agreement, increase CO2 levels and drown him, since, and I quote, "global warming isn't politically relevant".

Andrew, do you still have the plans for that freeze ray you guys had? I think we could do with a white Christmas next year.

 

_NSA recommendations:_  
_~~\- Make list~~_  
_~~\- Check twice~~_  
_\- Revisit after the holidays. No action recommended. Happy Gurnenthar's Ascendance, everyone!_


End file.
